so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
