this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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