White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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