It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
