having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
