After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
