I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize