my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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