i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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