I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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