woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
