I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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