Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize