He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
