i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
