I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
