I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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