Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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