Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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