omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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