"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
