I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
