So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Houston, we have a squirter
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
