Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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