I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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