I am in a vortex of obligation.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
