The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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