in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize