someone threw a dead crab at me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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