I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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