piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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