I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Found your dick twin last night
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
