If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i already hear my dad disowning me
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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