the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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