Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
