Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Randomize
