Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
