She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize