My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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