I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
