I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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