Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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