I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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