I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
