She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize