end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
