Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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