I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
