When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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