I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
