she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
