During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
