I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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