she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
