i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
