im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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