I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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