I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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