Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
