Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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