I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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