is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize