I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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