Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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