At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
