We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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